Sunday, July 15, 2012

Jeez, 50 Shades of Grey

Oh my! and Holy Crap!

I never thought I would be reviewing 50 Shades of Twilght, oh, em, holy crap! I mean 50 Shades of Grey. I bite my lip and flush crimson at my mistake, how on earth did I confuse the two?  To be perfectly honest, I never thought I would be reading 50 Shades. I read all of the bad reviews and, like our heroine Ana reading over her contract with the lip quirking Master of the Universe, Mr Hot himself. I immediately thought it was a bad idea. But then, like the blushing fool Ana, I did it anyway.

As I sit here writing this I know I have displeased my inner goddess as she sits across from me, her lips pursed. My subconscious on the other hand, grins. I roll my eyes freely, knowing that no one will beat me for doing so.

For those of you who have not yet ventured into the mommy porn world of 50 Shades the paragraph above probably seems a little confusing, silly even. I mean who refers to their subconscious or inner goddess like that? Well our main character for one.

But in all seriousness, what exactly is the 50 Shades trilogy about?

It started out as Twilight fan fiction with the main characters of Bella and Edward, fair enough I say. It was then changed for the purpose of publishing and Bella became Anastasia Steele and Edward, Christian Gray.

In fairness to the author a whopping 11% of the text was changed to make it a unique novel. But certainly there are many similarities to Twilight. Think Twilight minus the vampires and werewolves but replaced with many occurrences of sex and an overall BDSM theme.

Ana is 21, and somewhat unbelievably a college student who has never has sex or even been drunk before. She is awkward and clumsy, self conscious and suffers from low self esteem. She has never been kissed or even interested in a man before and other than her love of classic English literature, she has little interests. She has the personality of (insert random inanimate object here)

Christian on the other hand is supposed to be the most handsome, hottest man alive, an incredibly wealthy successful businessman in his twenties with the ability to get any woman's knickers in a knot. Of course he has a dark side, in the form of his sexual preferences. He has a medieval style sexual torture chamber in his house for flogging, whipping, caning and the likes.

The couple meet when she falls through the door of his office and I would like to point out at this stage that I have only read the fan fiction version, so there is a chance that I may make some small mistakes when making references to the story, but I am pretty confident that I will be correct around 89% of the time.

So they meet and she is dazzled or disarmed by him, yet in a Bella like fashion she finds it hard to believe that he could be attracted to her. Of course the opposite is true, he becomes fairly obsessed with her and pretty much stalks her. He accidentally turns up where she works, traces her cell phone and just happens to be able to find her wherever she goes.

50 Shades Trilogy Box Set
One thing leads to another and she becomes smitten with him but he wont touch her (oh and she is never allowed to touch him, he has issues) without a signed contract that is. He brings her to his home where she is hoping he will "make love" to her and instead finds that she must first sign a contract of non disclosure about their relationship. He then introduces her to his "red room of pain" or playroom as he likes to call it which is filled with chains, whips, restraints, benches and what not.

Her reaction is along the lines of biting her lip and thinking, oh this is a little kinky but he's so hot that I might just agree. He also wants her to sign another contract that outlines pretty much everything he wants from her which is for her to be his submissive and consent to all different types of sexual activities. Not only that he wants ownership of her for a certain amount of days each week, wants to dictate what she wears, eats and so on. If she performs well she will be rewarded if not he will physically punish her, why? because he enjoys it.

Line up ladies he sounds like a real catch, doesn't he?

I won't go into the story line too much because I wouldn't like to spoil it for the many women out there who can't wait to read it. I am however seriously considering sending E.L James an email from my own mean machine and just so you know, I will be using ALL CAPS.

I won't criticize the writing itself as I am not known for my excellent use of grammar or even my writing skills but apart from finding this novel an extremely slow read I disliked Ana's character, she is a simpering, mooning idiot who is so desperate for the love of this particular man that she will do pretty much everything he wants with little consideration.

I also want to point out that if every woman was like Ana no one would ever get anything done and the novel reads like it was written by someone who has either never had sex and has only ever read about it in novels,  or the author is one lucky woman to have such a responsive body. I know I am in the minority here but for an erotic novel I personally think it is anything but. I got so bored of their shenanigans that I skimmed by most of them and It occurs to me now that this review may be a little inaccurate as I must have skimmed past at least every other page!

If you still insist on reading it I would suggest that you get it here :Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy  because if you have a kindle you can read the first chapter for free and make up your own mind. 

Oh and it's going to be made into a movie, isn't that great? a 50 shades of grey movie, I can't wait.

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